Israel Stories

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Security Guard

She grabbed my hair and gave it a yank, mustering all her strength to scalp me. I felt the follicles protest as my hair held on for all it was worth. I could hear the follicles yelling “I know he’s Jewish but he’s gonna keep his hair beyond 40!” Luckily for me she released her grip and tried to pull my nose and upper lip off instead. What is it with babies and the need to disfigure whoever they come in grabbing distance of?

My baby thinks great, her comes Abba, let’s try and pull his nose off. Let’s see how far my little figures with the razor sharp nails can penetrate his nostrils, and if we’re lucky draw blood! Bless her she’s only 7 months, but already familiar with all the great rugby moves.

My wife tells me it’s all about learning so I stuck my finger up her nose and learnt that if you stick your finger up your wife’s nose without her consent you get a slap. She was right!

So what’s my point? Well the other day I saw a security guard wrestling some one to the ground. Needless to say the Spetsnatz training came in handy and within two seconds the offender was on the ground one arm bent impossibly behind his back and his head pulled back while the security guard held great tufts of his hair. As the inevitable crowd of onlookers migrated to the scene to observe and offer their opinions, one woman congratulated the guard on the way he had totally incapacitated the offender by puling his hair back. I casually joked that my 7 month old could do the same. Mr. Spetsnatz, didn’t find it funny and likened me to a person whose mother was a female dog, in surprisingly good English.

“All I meant”, I dug deeper “was that my baby really knows how to pull hair, it just reminded me, your man must be in a lot of pain”.

The police arrived and the crowd dispersed, except for me. As I left to go about my business being a model citizen, my legs, shoulders and head turned to go but my arm didn’t move. I realized that my arm was attached to a huge hand, which in turn was attached to a black bomber jacket, which in turn was being worn by a very determined security guard.

“I work #*%$^ hard” he shouted, “I don’t need @#$% like you taking the *$%#%#!!!” (I’m not drunk but the words he used are not really fit for print).

“Look, I’m really sorry, I know you work harder than any of us appreciate, I was just passing comment at the strength of my baby, not that you in anyway resemble or act like my or anybody else’s baby.”

That seemed to pacify him.

He looked at me, his head cocked to the side and with a deep and meaningful Clint Eastwood sort of croaking, final line of the movie, said to me “you know I have a baby to, she also pulls hair, but she’s no match for me, she only learns, I teach!”


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