The Commando Part 2

First of all an apology for all those feline lovers who were so keen to contact me and express their views, all I can say is for what you are about to read I am truly sorry and I hope you treat humans with as much compassion and care as you do cats. You bunch of lunatics.

So we left off last time with phase one of my anti-cat operation. The freezing hose water seemed to do the job. Sprinkling pepper and lemon peel kept most of the cats away but that was short lived as my wife objected to all the lemon peel littering our garden. In her words ‘it looks like a rubbish dump and will attract all those cats’. Sometimes it feels like ‘I’m putting out the fire with gasoline’, as Bowie would say.

For now the battle was won but the war was far from over. Son of white appeared one day. Absolutely devoid of any sense of smell or not bothered by the pepper, chili and lemon mix he just sat there. Then out of nowhere another white cat. I remember a Rabbi once said ‘always two there are, a master and apprentice (I think he was a Rabbi!) The family was coming to play. Not in my garden. This was the new breed of cat. Evolution had hardened them, strengthened their senses and now they were here to take revenge

Keep cool, I heard myself say, anger leads to pain, pain leads hate, hate leads to suffering. The cats were immune to all I could throw at them (not literally you lunatics)! Powerful you have become the dark side I sense in you. Enough was enough. Back to the internet.

Phase two; operation sensory destruction. I bought myself a sonic blaster. A sensor picks up all movement and then lets out a sonic sound wave guaranteed to make all wildlife with 20 meters soil themselves or at least run for it. And you know what, it works. It’s absolutely bloody marvelous. Not a cat in two months. And its totally humane you lunatics, so go burn your fur coats.

Phase three; operation fear. With my garden clear and cat free all I needed to do was clear our little street. They avoided my garden but used our communal garden and to be quite frank the smell was getting to me. My wife called me obsessed and threatened to refer me for counseling if I didn’t stop. “What would have happened if Churchill had given up, huh?” I countered. She called me an animal lover and walked off.

Little did she know that phase three was about to be launched and if she thought I was a lunatic then heaven knows what she was going to think. Well she was remarkably calm when one morning a small bag was deposited outside our house with a note from the Jerusalem Zoo. The note said, keep in a well aired location, contents fresh and undried, there is plenty more where that came from.

“Please tell me its not what I think it is”, she pleaded. “Sorry love, but it is care of the lions in the Jerusalem Zoo. If this doesn’t put the fear up those cats nothing will. I’ll give up the fight and maximum respect to the hardest meanest Israeli cats in the world!”

So with a plastic glove and a spade I sprinkled the lions dung over the gardens, by the trees and anywhere where humans (you know the important and dominant species) don’t walk.

And you know what, the cats disappeared. Apart from white who we now know to be deaf and devoid of any sense of smell.

I am the official distributor of Jerusalem Zoo dung. You can order through me. Please let me know quantity and animal and I’ll send it to you. (Not by post.)

It has been said that maybe I belong in Arkham but in this world of hate and war where people would rather kill a human than see a rat be experimented on for the good of human kind, I like to think I am doing my bit for the good of human kind.